you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
