I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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