I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
