Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
