So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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