Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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