just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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