xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
