3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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