Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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