So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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