I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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