Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
