I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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