On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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