I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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