Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
