wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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