My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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