Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Randomize
