kristin has been a bad kristin
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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