First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
