You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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