I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
