i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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