I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
