Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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