he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize