Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
