I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
