we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
