dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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