I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize