Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
