she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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