I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
