I want you more than these girls want KFC
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There's always time for handjobs
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize