I'm sorry my penis didn't work
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
