My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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