omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize