Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
