I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
