Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
