ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
