We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
