Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
