Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
