we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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