he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
