remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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