Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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