I woke up to her vacumming the grass
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
