Can i not drive my cunt home
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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