Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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