Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
