i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
