i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
