Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
