Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
