'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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