tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
